I have a feeling that this blog is changing directions, at least for this season of grief. Typically I wrote mostly for you all, including a bunch of pictures and interesting descriptions of our life in Mexico. Right now, I cannot write for others but must write completely out of my heart. It may not be as interesting for the reader but for right now this is what I need to be doing. You are welcome to read if you like and you are welcome to ignore it if you life but mostly I just need to be free to write unhindered and without the distractions of proper editing and finding the perfect picture to go with my story.

Last night was interesting. Nathaniel and Bethany crashed into bed after a very long day of boating and swimming. I was sleepy but I felt so compelled to grab my bible and head into the bathroom for a time of prayer. I've been struggling in prayer and I'm not sure why. I have been numb and unable to pour my heart out to God. I would open my mouth and just get stuck. Last night I was able to press through and actually cry out to God and meet him in prayer.

 I also feel worship bubbling up in my spirit. I have felt numb these past five weeks and haven't been able to do much more than crawl out of bed and exist. I think the return of prayer and worship into my life is a sign that I am beginning to heal. My walk with God, expressed through intense worship and prayer,  is the most important aspect of my life so it stands to reason that this would be the first area to be restored.

One of the things that is heavy on my heart is the future of Swordmaster Ministries and the vision that Gary and I had for Taxco and all of Mexico. When I was a small child I felt called into missions, yet it was always with the unspoken understanding that I would be a helpmate to a man in ministry. I realize that many women go to the mission field alone and I believe that to be a very honorable path to walk. For me, I simply never felt called to evangelism, church planting, or Bible teaching but felt that my roll was to support my husband's calling in partnering alongside of him in prayer, worship, intercession, hospitality and mercy. Gary and I would talk for hours about such things. We marveled at how God called us together as puzzle pieces that were VERY different, yet extremely complimentary to each other. He would plant the teaching of the word into people's lives while I prayed for the seed to take root. I would open our home and ministry center up to hundreds of people, taking care of their physical and emotional needs while Gary ministered to their spiritual needs. We would often go on prayer walks together, lifting up the city of Taxco and her people. I would spend hours in deep worship and bring down the presence of God into our home, neighborhood and city, which would make the hearts of the people ripe to hear the word of God. Gary would study and preach in Spanish and I would struggle along side of him learning a more basic level of the language while reaching hearts with the unspoken language of love.

As I said, Gary and I would talk for hours about such things. We were never individualistic in our approach to ministry. We did everything together but had very unique and separate roles to play within our calling. God has not gifted me as a Bible teacher or evangelist. He has gifted me as a worshipper and intercessor along with hospitality and a gifting for discipleship. Swordmaster Ministries was not Gary and it was not Rachel but it was Gary and Rachel. I just do not understand what this ministry is to look like without Gary. Our gifting and talents were certainly not duplicated within each other but we each had very unique and separate roles. How do I have a bible teaching ministry without the bible teacher??? How do I continue with the calling that God put on Gary's and my heart without Gary?


I know it will take time for me to seek God and find answers to these questions. Right now I feel overwhelmed to carry out what God had given both Gary and me to do together. I feel like the Israelites who were told to make bricks without straw. I feel like I am left with this commission to win Taxco for Christ, without my partner in ministry. I am not gifted in these areas any more than Gary was gifted in worship and intercession. What if he was left to carry on a worship ministry? Or a ministry that involved welcoming people into our home, cooking for them and pouring compassion upon them? Gary would be floundering and clueless without me in these areas. Just as I am floudering and clueless in the areas of teaching, preaching, and evangelism. I just do not understand what I am supposed to do without Gary. How do I walk in ministry when I am not called or gifted to do what Gary was called to do?

These are the things that I'm coming to God in prayer regarding. I'm sure it will take time for me to understand what God is up to in all of this and what his plan is for the future of Swordmaster Ministries. I will seek him unceasingly with  my whole heart in order to understand what I am to do.

I thought writing from the beach in Zihuatanijo would be a good time to start my blog up once again.

I've always been in love with the ocean. Not so much the sea, as in fishing boats, the smell of fish, and a cold damp sea breeze. But the ocean, the warm sand between my toes, the waves slamming up against my body, and the never ending sunshine soaking into my very caucasian skin!

I've read a lot in the past month about the process of grief. I would love to tell everyone that this trip to the ocean has been very healing and that we will arrive in Taxco ready to pick up the pieces of our lives and begin ministry once again. Grief just doesn't work that way. Grief is a process and a journey. Nathaniel, Bethany and I have to travel through grief in order to get to the other side. This Christmas, if I jump into a rental car in Denver in order to drive to Indiana, I must travel those 1,000 miles. The act of getting into the rental car does not make me instantly appear in my brother and sister in-law's home baking Christmas cookies. No, if we decide to fly into Denver, we will have to drive those 1,000 miles to Indiana. There's just no getting around the fact of having to travel those miles.

It's the same with grief. Oh how I would love to skip over this season of my life. I am not one to relish the idea of sitting in a bucket full of tears and sorrow. I do not look for the sad things in life but the joyful, the bright and the cheerful aspect of walking each day on this planet. Yet, my sorrow is real and the path of grief is necessary in order to get to the other side. If I am in Denver I can say how much I would like to be in Indiana but I have to drive those miles in order to get there. Positive thinking and confessions of faith will not do it, I must drive each one of those tiresome miles. So here we are right in the middle of grief! However, I'm not sitting in a parking lot in Denver just hoping for the trip to be over, no, I'm getting onto the highway and driving each and every mile of this journey, as painful as it is, in order to get to the other side of grief. Through God's amazing care and mercy, we will get to our destination, but it will take time, tears, and trials!

Despite being on the journey of grief, this vacation has been amazing. I've shed my share of tears but I've also laughed, smiled, and jumped in the waves like a little kid! My greatest delight has been watching my children. Nathaniel and Bethany have never been to the ocean before. It is such a joy to see their delight in jumping into the waves, their faces repulsed at the salt water, and the adventure that they find in looking for shells. The ocean seems to bring out the childlike joy in all of us and this is such a pleasure to observe and take part in.

The difficult aspect of the vacation is realizing how much I look like a wife and mother and to hear the unspoken question on every one's lips as to where the fourth member of our family is. I have loved my role as wife and mother. As I said before I am the Leave it to Beaver type of mom. I love cooking and cleaning (well not so much cleaning) and taking care of my family. This is the role that gives me the most pleasure and it is obvious to everyone that this is who I am. The problem is, one of us is missing and that is also obvious to the world.

I am learning to deal with the questions and the grief that accompanies my response. When I share where my husband is, I end up comforting those who have verbalized the unspoken question. This is fine, I don't mind sharing what happened, it is a part of our life and the story is sometimes screaming out to be told. It is all part of this journey to the other side of grief. It is all part of clocking the miles on the odometer. It's the never ending drive through Kansas but we will get to the other side, we will arrive, and through God's grace the gaping hole in our hearts will heal.